Sick of Being Sick
Since the beginning of March I've been sick! Almost every day I feel terrible. And I have been running high fevers of an on all that time. I've had enough antibiotics for three people. Even IV antibiotics. And still sick. I have a sore throat, runny nose, constant wheezing and coughing. Always nauseated and have actually lost about 5 lbs. Now my lupus is flaring because I haven't had my treatment since February because I have been sick. And can't get it till I'm not sick or at least not running a fever. So it's like a never ending circle. Sick, lupus flare, sick, Lupus flare, add in migraines and IC pain and repeat. It's really getting old. I realized the one day this week that I haven't left the house other than to go to work (which I haven't done a lot of), or to go to the drs office. And my friends don't get it. They just think I'm using an excuse again not to do something but I'm not. You know when you feel like crap the last thing you wanna do is get out of your nice comfy bed and go to some loud restaurant that serves food that just the smell alone makes you queasy. And all the noise causes a migraine. It's just not worth it.
But then you get depressed bc you haven't really gone any where or done anything. And you really don't want to. And then for me the tears start. A dr I saw this week had known me for about eight years through work, looked at me and asked if I was depressed. And the water works started flowing. And then EVERYTHING that day made me cry. TV commercials, someone teasing me. It was stupid. Someone told me that maybe I should go back to my counselor. They were probably right and are seeing things that I don't as they see me in a way I cant. So I made an appt.
I saw a specialist in infectious disease. And all my labs came back normal for the most part. So there's really no reason for the fever. Except I'm a LUPIE!!! So I have no idea. And my insurance wants me to MAIL order the treatment I get ever 28 days in my port. Or they will charge me $835 a month. Sighhhh. Insurance companies are a topic for another day. So I have no idea what that next step will be if my provider and pharmacy don't all me to mail order my medicine.
I know that my problems pale in comparison to others. And I am okay with that. Sometimes you just need to vent. I am thankful for the health that I have. And that I am still semi-able to work part time. I am grateful that I am still able to get out of bed everyday. And I don't take any of those things for granted because I know that could change at any given moment. But truthfully, I'm just sick of being sick.
We all have crappy days, weeks or even months. But we will get through. We just have to pick ourselves up by our boot straps like we always do and do what needs to be done. I think those of us with chronic illness are probably the strongest people I know. We do things with pain that other would never think of. We work on no sleep when others couldn't make it an hour. We push through and try to make everything seem FINE. When really it's far from that. I have had soooo much support from the chronic illness community the last month and really the last five years. We are a hell of a group. And I couldn't make it without all your support!!!